Back in the Land of the Moaning Clam?

 

I might be back in Korea now; I might not. Might you go fuck yourself? You might.

For those of you currently in Korea, the Land of the Moaning Clam, the Armpit of Sparkle (both of these are trademarked, so fuck off KTO, not you Lee Charm, cause I wanna party with you), you need a way to release your stress. Since it is so easy to get laid in Korea, I imagine you probably have a girlfriend, possibly even several. Are you a mulitdater? You cad. Do tell me more.

There is drinking, too. For a dollar, you can set fucked up quickly on soju. You can also use it as satin remover, pepper spray (in a squirt gun with a tablespoon of gochu garu), boot polisher, all-round bathroom cleaner, so it has many uses, not the least of which is to decimate several functions of several very necessary organs to human survival.

But Mr. Baek, there is always beer! No, brown soju in a squeeze bottle bearing the name Shite or some other shite name is not beer.

Did you know that the rumor going around the foreigner circle back last millennium was that soju is not actually organic? That it is just chemicals mixed together and bottled? Plus think about it: should you really be drinking something that will get you fucked up for a dollar?

I have a rule: I do not drink soju under any circumstances whatsoever. You shouldn't either. Promise me that you wont.

I also do not drink with ajoshhis...as a rule.

"But Mr. Baek, I drink soju in a cut off pop bottle mixed with fruit juice in Shitaewon. It tastes great and it's cheap."

Yes, cheap like you, sir, and 1989 called....they want their wine coolers back.

You have to keep exercising though. The combination of not exercising and drinking and eating a lot at night, two things that happen with great frequency in Korea, will get you way out of shape and fuck up your health. Find a gym that you like. Don't ask me, though....I used to switch health clubs on a monthly basis. For a variety of "Koreans-are-assholes" reasons. These include, and they are all different clubs that I belonged to:

1. The owner smoked constantly in front of the glass doors to the gym. When asked to smoke somewhere else, he became hostile and yelled at me, asking if I wanted a refund. I did.

2. Ajummas complained to the owner that I had the window open in front of the treadmill and wouldn't close it. It was late spring. I wouldn't close the window. Next.

3. Small shower room, so not enough room for me to take a shower, and the ajossshis to spit luggies.


4. California Wow closed all 3 Korea locations in the middle of the night, even though I had seen them selling memberships that week. Lost 7 months of a membership.

5. Lack of machine and weight maintenance.

6.  The staff threw away my brand new pair of Nikes.

7. When I rejected the friendship advances of a very boring and weird ajosshi (boring and weird is most ajosshis), he made it very awkward for me at the gym, insulting me in Korean to his friends, and right to my face in English.

8. Too hot to work out ; poor ventilation (several places).

9. The guy who worked there, this was in Seoul, but he was from Pusan, threatened to beat me up one day at the gym. I had the wife call and he got reamed out by the management, but I was getting dirty looks by the other Koreans, so it was awkward and I left.

There must be others, but I cant recall now.

My point is, people, that you need to release stress whilst in Korea  or your going to end up killing a ajosshi or two.