Thursday, November 28, 2013

You have a blue eye.

Oh...well, thank you or noticing. What am I, heterochromatic? Do I have a pirate's patch on?
If I had a baek won for every time I wanted to smash someone's face in for saying that I had a high nose, I'd have enough for my girlfriend's high nose surgery.
But Mr. Baek, every the Korean say you look like the Barad Pitt.
If I looked like brad pitt do you think I'd be in your funny little country teaching your funny little asses the language of your cultural conquistadors?
You have hair on your arm. There again: it's actually on both arms...and Mr. Kim, would you please stop stroking my arm? You are creeping me the fuck out.
Are you grow the beard?
No. This is what a man looks like when he hasn't shaved for a few days. This is man style, not that Chosun dynasty official look, this shit gets Grizzly Adams....again, like a real man gets.

Remember: women will always go for the most attractive man before getting married, then settle on a less attractive man. Men will fuck every women that they can get their dicks on, but settle for a more attractive woman for a wife, i.e. you'll be banging a lot of 4s and 5s before you settle on the 8.

Now think about the above paragraph and the huge implications of your being in Korea. If you get it, post in the comments.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Back in the Land of the Moaning Clam?


I might be back in Korea now; I might not. Might you go fuck yourself? You might.

For those of you currently in Korea, the Land of the Moaning Clam, the Armpit of Sparkle (both of these are trademarked, so fuck off KTO, not you Lee Charm, cause I wanna party with you), you need a way to release your stress. Since it is so easy to get laid in Korea, I imagine you probably have a girlfriend, possibly even several. Are you a mulitdater? You cad. Do tell me more.

There is drinking, too. For a dollar, you can set fucked up quickly on soju. You can also use it as satin remover, pepper spray (in a squirt gun with a tablespoon of gochu garu), boot polisher, all-round bathroom cleaner, so it has many uses, not the least of which is to decimate several functions of several very necessary organs to human survival.

But Mr. Baek, there is always beer! No, brown soju in a squeeze bottle bearing the name Shite or some other shite name is not beer.

Did you know that the rumor going around the foreigner circle back last millennium was that soju is not actually organic? That it is just chemicals mixed together and bottled? Plus think about it: should you really be drinking something that will get you fucked up for a dollar?

I have a rule: I do not drink soju under any circumstances whatsoever. You shouldn't either. Promise me that you wont.

I also do not drink with a rule.

"But Mr. Baek, I drink soju in a cut off pop bottle mixed with fruit juice in Shitaewon. It tastes great and it's cheap."

Yes, cheap like you, sir, and 1989 called....they want their wine coolers back.

You have to keep exercising though. The combination of not exercising and drinking and eating a lot at night, two things that happen with great frequency in Korea, will get you way out of shape and fuck up your health. Find a gym that you like. Don't ask me, though....I used to switch health clubs on a monthly basis. For a variety of "Koreans-are-assholes" reasons. These include, and they are all different clubs that I belonged to:

1. The owner smoked constantly in front of the glass doors to the gym. When asked to smoke somewhere else, he became hostile and yelled at me, asking if I wanted a refund. I did.

2. Ajummas complained to the owner that I had the window open in front of the treadmill and wouldn't close it. It was late spring. I wouldn't close the window. Next.

3. Small shower room, so not enough room for me to take a shower, and the ajossshis to spit luggies.

4. California Wow closed all 3 Korea locations in the middle of the night, even though I had seen them selling memberships that week. Lost 7 months of a membership.

5. Lack of machine and weight maintenance.

6.  The staff threw away my brand new pair of Nikes.

7. When I rejected the friendship advances of a very boring and weird ajosshi (boring and weird is most ajosshis), he made it very awkward for me at the gym, insulting me in Korean to his friends, and right to my face in English.

8. Too hot to work out ; poor ventilation (several places).

9. The guy who worked there, this was in Seoul, but he was from Pusan, threatened to beat me up one day at the gym. I had the wife call and he got reamed out by the management, but I was getting dirty looks by the other Koreans, so it was awkward and I left.

There must be others, but I cant recall now.

My point is, people, that you need to release stress whilst in Korea  or your going to end up killing a ajosshi or two.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Why do you smile so much-e?

I have had many different jobs in Korea in many different areas: restaurant, finance, automotive, and of course, education...or what passes for English language education in the Land of the Moaning Clam. In fact, what originally brought me to Korea and what originally brought me so much contempt for Koreans was teaching.

I got in trouble once in the first few months that I was in Korea for laughing at an older student...repeatedly. This guy was an ajosshi in his late 30s-early 40s maybe; it's often hard to tell because when an ajosshi hits 28 or so (in regular human years), he is just an ajosshi. His wife hands him to 2 packs of 88s in the morning, and she won't see him until the next morning when she hands him his 2 packs of 88s. The rest of the time consists of smoking said 88s whilst doing some menial "salaryman" work some of the time, sleeping at the desk after lunch,  then getting tanked on that libation that would clean stains off your clothes and rust off your metal if you let it, soju, with those same sad sacks he works with all day....and talk about boring work-related shit.

Now, I smile a lot. I just do; I always have. I think it comes from the increased amount of attention that attractive people receive. The first week of class at the hogwon sees a class equally made up of ajosshi business men in $50-$75 off-the-rack business suits (laughably, some with gold buttons) and university girls from the local women's university. It's like mixing household chemicals together: you get a really toxic mix.

So this guy asks me why I smile so much, this being the first week of class and we are all still getting to know each other, and I reply that life is great, nature is great, everything is groovy in my world, man, all of that. He nods his head in understanding at me, and dons the cringe-worthiest, smarmiest, most horrible pressed lipped smile that haunts me even until this day. Picture the artist Rain as a dried-up 30 something Korean who reeks of cigarettes and underachievement.

I didn't laugh then, but as the month-long class wore on I did...and often, and uncontrollable right in front of him. You see: from that personal revelation of mine that first week through to the last and final class, ajosshi kept that winning smile beaming at me directly at all times, from walking into the classroom, until my exit from the room. There is no way you wouldn't have found that shit amusing.
But I did get reamed out by a Canadian manager who had Korean management reaming him as well. That job didn't result in a second contract.


The range of this guy's acting is impressive. He is able to project so many different and uniquely complex Korean emotions with only his appearance. In the first picture, you have his "I-don't-understand" look. In the second picture, the incomparable "I-STILL-don't-understand." See how he did that, with only glasses as an added prop. This guy IS the Korean wave.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

I feel compelled to post

What are you still doing here? Why did you come back? I told you that it's over. It's over. I've left Korea, and I'm back in a much better place, albeit with jack-booted thugs in positions of authority.
Then why am I still involved with that Korean woman? Well...that's complicated. I am not a total racist yet. I can't really break up with her because she's Korean. But she is Korean. Yeah, but you know...she's different. She's not the typical Korean.
You've said that yourself, haven't you? EVERY time you date another pure-blood Korean.
"Well, Su-ji is different. She's not like the other Koreans."
Like choices or lifestyles had anything to do with that.
Deep down, she's been brainwash, and they did a damn good job. You've seen the Anti-Japanese paintings done by nationalistic-by-nature Korean Kindergarten Kids (that's the KKK to you and me).
Look around you for fuck's sake! You're on the subway with a carload of Korean zombies, already too oblivious to other humans not to bump them out of the way, every way, each day, but now you've got them zombied the fuck out on internet tv, chatting, or playing some mind numbing video game.
It's too late...your girlfriend has already been turned.
It's too late for you to have her scared straight out of being Korean. You'd have a better chance with those religious freaks slapping the cock out of the mouths of faggots with their bible and proclaiming them free of all impure cocksuckery.
No. You can't break up with someone because of their race. it isn't like I just found out about it.
"Oh my God! You're Korean!"
I try to get away from Koreans, but: