Monday, November 25, 2013

Back in the Land of the Moaning Clam?


I might be back in Korea now; I might not. Might you go fuck yourself? You might.

For those of you currently in Korea, the Land of the Moaning Clam, the Armpit of Sparkle (both of these are trademarked, so fuck off KTO, not you Lee Charm, cause I wanna party with you), you need a way to release your stress. Since it is so easy to get laid in Korea, I imagine you probably have a girlfriend, possibly even several. Are you a mulitdater? You cad. Do tell me more.

There is drinking, too. For a dollar, you can set fucked up quickly on soju. You can also use it as satin remover, pepper spray (in a squirt gun with a tablespoon of gochu garu), boot polisher, all-round bathroom cleaner, so it has many uses, not the least of which is to decimate several functions of several very necessary organs to human survival.

But Mr. Baek, there is always beer! No, brown soju in a squeeze bottle bearing the name Shite or some other shite name is not beer.

Did you know that the rumor going around the foreigner circle back last millennium was that soju is not actually organic? That it is just chemicals mixed together and bottled? Plus think about it: should you really be drinking something that will get you fucked up for a dollar?

I have a rule: I do not drink soju under any circumstances whatsoever. You shouldn't either. Promise me that you wont.

I also do not drink with a rule.

"But Mr. Baek, I drink soju in a cut off pop bottle mixed with fruit juice in Shitaewon. It tastes great and it's cheap."

Yes, cheap like you, sir, and 1989 called....they want their wine coolers back.

You have to keep exercising though. The combination of not exercising and drinking and eating a lot at night, two things that happen with great frequency in Korea, will get you way out of shape and fuck up your health. Find a gym that you like. Don't ask me, though....I used to switch health clubs on a monthly basis. For a variety of "Koreans-are-assholes" reasons. These include, and they are all different clubs that I belonged to:

1. The owner smoked constantly in front of the glass doors to the gym. When asked to smoke somewhere else, he became hostile and yelled at me, asking if I wanted a refund. I did.

2. Ajummas complained to the owner that I had the window open in front of the treadmill and wouldn't close it. It was late spring. I wouldn't close the window. Next.

3. Small shower room, so not enough room for me to take a shower, and the ajossshis to spit luggies.

4. California Wow closed all 3 Korea locations in the middle of the night, even though I had seen them selling memberships that week. Lost 7 months of a membership.

5. Lack of machine and weight maintenance.

6.  The staff threw away my brand new pair of Nikes.

7. When I rejected the friendship advances of a very boring and weird ajosshi (boring and weird is most ajosshis), he made it very awkward for me at the gym, insulting me in Korean to his friends, and right to my face in English.

8. Too hot to work out ; poor ventilation (several places).

9. The guy who worked there, this was in Seoul, but he was from Pusan, threatened to beat me up one day at the gym. I had the wife call and he got reamed out by the management, but I was getting dirty looks by the other Koreans, so it was awkward and I left.

There must be others, but I cant recall now.

My point is, people, that you need to release stress whilst in Korea  or your going to end up killing a ajosshi or two.


  1. Freaking hilarious all~~ I practice Karate and joined a club in Korea but left soon after as the 'head trainer' used to smoke in the office while people were training and then he used to interrupt the younger trainer and start teaching us in his normal clothes and socks - stinking of stale cigarette smoke, of course...I stuck it for a coupla months NEXT!!! Gotta love Korea

  2. Hey, this kind of thing happens at most places and all around the Hub of Smells. If you have a problem with it, then you need to understand the Korea's unique culture. What the hell is wrong with you, man,?! You have a problem with being taught a martial art by a (literally) stinking ajosshi in street clothes and dirty old socks? You don't understand Korean culture. I suggest you travel to Dokdo and learn about the Korea there.

    1. LOLLL~~~ Thing is, I now want to join a gym in my area (there are several as it's a university 'dong') to back up my own private n' personal martial arts stuff that I do in the local park a.m. before any Koreans turn up (oh, the joy!) but am too freaked out in case some ajosshi starts showing me how to work out - which always happens, I gather - and I just tell him to fuck off; which I will...and that's then followed by tension/nasty looks, and all the usual Korean 'quick to take offense' bullshit....oh man, I love this place!!! Why is everything so freaking COMPLICATED in Korea!!?????

    2. Oh, right, the foreigner needs help on his form. Just do what I do when that happens: act enthusiastic that he is helping you, then when he shows you the Korean way to lift the weight, begin laughing hysterically. Then take the weight and try it his way, laughing as you do. Then walk away from him and get a drink of water, still giggling. Then never make eye contact with him again. Great fun.
      I had an ajosshi do that to me. I wasn't curling the EZ Bar the right way. OBVIOUSLY, the best place for your elbows is not tucked into your sides so as to isolate the biceps. The best place for your elbows is flared out to the sides, as far out as you can go and still maintain the grip. The whole time he was showing me, I was looking at his biceps whilst flexing my own and rubbing it. Dude, my arms were so much more defined and larger than his. Why he would have opened himself up to getting ridiculed is beyond me.
      I'd just ignore all ajosshis at the gym. And you are never ever going to get laid from an chick in the gym, so pretty much ignore all Koreans. Lol.

    3. Alternately, just keep saying "no" until he goes away. Koreans are going to walk away quickly if you just keep saying, ", No, no. No."

    4. Thanks for the advice, man~~ I try to be positive and see the best in people, but after 2++ years in K-Land I've realised that the best way to deal with Koreans is just as you've suggested: IGNORE THEM!! (Sounds weird even though we live in the place, eh?? But I'm guessing you know what I mean.) Not that Korea has made me negative and bitter - far from it; I actually enjoy a lot of my time here. Just, if it wasn't for freaking Koreans!!

      I keep my daily interactions to a minimum - just the guys at work/shopping or wherever - and find that it really helps my stress levels. Because everything is SO FREAKING COMPLICATED!! They're quick to take offense, cliquey, childish, racist (even against Europeans, LOLLL~) and just plain IRRATIONAL for the most part. But I guess you've figured that out by yerseff already.

      As for trying to bang K-chicks at the gym?? I know enough by now not to even try. I stick to Chinese birds - they're available with a bit of looking in the big cities, they love white dick, and they come with much less complications. Strangers in a strange land and all that.

      K birds look like they want to FUCK. Act like they want to FUCK and dress like they want to FUCK.....It's just that, errr...they DON'T FUCK. Period. Unless it's with Kim Six Pack who mummy and daddy approve of and drives a new white Kia 5 hahahahaha...


      Over and out - wish me luck in the gym - I'm heading down to check it out this evo~~ Guess I can still fantasize about troughing out some sweaty kimchi gal while I'm on the treadmill, though!!! fair's fair!!!